Free To Dream
Dreaming. It gives some people life. It gives some people purpose and excitement. This isn’t the case for me. Dreaming has, for a long time now, given me anxiety. It actually scares the mess out of me. Not because I have none, but because the fear of my dreams not being approved by others has controlled me for so long. It has literally paralyzed my ability to dream. I have cared what everyone else thought so much, that I even began to make assumptions on what others may have thought about me, without any proof that they actually did think it. Did you hear that? I was controlled by the opinions of others when I didn’t even know if it was actually their opinion or not. That sounds crazy right? I know. I’m crazy. Nevertheless, it’s how I have lived so much of my life. So much of my life wasted on wondering if others thought I could do it. My dreams on hold while I waited on the approval of everyone around me.
So I stopped. I stopped dreaming. I stopped wanting more. I settled. And it was one of the most frustrating seasons I’ve ever been through. But late one night a few months ago, my husband sat me down and asked me to start dreaming again. He asked me what I would do if I could do anything, and for the first time in a long time I began to dream OUT LOUD! Yes, that really happened! We sat for hours and just talked dreams. In fact, it was the first time in forever that I talked about my dreams with no fear of someone ripping them from my heart and stomping them with their doubt.
I. Just. Dreamt.
I was free. I was finally free again. Free to explore and not be limited by my own worst enemy, myself. I was actually free. And it was the best feeling in the world.
Now I can’t say that I no longer have fears and that I am still not somewhat trembling as I write this blog. But what I can say is that I am intentionally moving towards something I was not moving towards before. I am moving! And that, my friends, is progress.
So, why this blog? Why now?
Well, about a year ago I decided to stop doing things that were not giving me life. I was committed to a lot and yet only fulfilled by a little. I decided that I wanted to make a change, and as hard as it was, that would mean letting go of things that were once dear to me, in order to grab ahold of what the Lord had in store for me. This included my photography business. I loved all my clients and my time behind the lens, but I knew that it was not my ultimate calling. I am called to teach, to preach, to write, to worship, to disciple and encourage women. That’s my calling and has always been my calling. And while photography was something the Lord brought into my life for a time, I always knew it was just for that, a time. It was a small part of my life that I knew would come to an end at some point. And as I have let go of that wonderful season I have been so blessed by opportunities that have come my way. I’ve been able to focus on dreaming again. I’ve been able to focus on my passions and growing them. I’ve been able to start mentoring and teaching. I’ve been able to be me and all that He has called me to be.
Which brings me to this blog. This blog is a part of my dream. I love writing. And not only writing, but writing to encourage and minister to others as I grow myself. I love studying scripture, and I love journaling through everything the Lord is teaching me through His word. So this blog is my new home. This is where I will write. This is where I will mature. This is where I will grow in mothering and share what I am learning through some of life’s greatest lessons. This is where I will pour out my heart and all the things the Lord lays on it. This blog is where I will wrestle through scriptures as I intentionally grow towards becoming a woman who feasts on the Word of God. This is my new home.
There is a woman God has called me to be. She is a true worshipper, a loving mother and an adoring wife. She is a teacher, an encourager, a mentor and a genuine friend. But most importantly she is a student of the Word and an intimate lover of Jesus. She won’t get this way by accident though. She must be purposeful. So this is my journey towards intentionally becoming her. And prayerfully, it may just bless a few people along the way.